Apple Is Freaking Me Out

I’m not an early adopter. At all. Like, if a Blackberry had a better camera, I’d still be typing away on that cute little keypad. That’s part of the reason I wigged when I heard of Apple’s “big plans” to phase out iTunes.

It’s almost too difficult for me to type. I’m actually proud of myself that I got through that sentence.

I don’t pay attention to Apple news because I’m not an Apple girl, but I almost wonder if it would have been appropriate for them to have a bank of counselors/IT consultants available for sad/terrified/shocked/emotionally-paralyzed iTunes users to reach out to once they heard this horrible news.

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iTunes is like my lifeblood. It’s my legal Napster. And Napster’s cousin that I can’t remember anymore.

I’m probably one of the last humans on Earth (besides my parents) who doesn’t subscribe to a streaming music service. I still listen to Pandora, for crying out loud. With ads. And, I still use stock earbuds, with cords. I know I’m a dinosaur on that one, because I see it when I enter starting chutes at races and find I’m the only one wrestling with where my cord is going to go – like the spaz that I am.

“Don’t worry…”

…the Apple people are saying, though.

“The library you’ve spent your adult life building will still be available.”

With a new app.

Here’s why I hate that answer. I’m not down with new apps on my phone. I’m weird like that. I use my phone for the most basic purposes, like timing the kids on the stopwatch function when they hold their breath, and cursing at it when I can’t figure out how to input a new contact.

The usual, you know?

So now Apple is making me get a new app so I can access the music I already bought. Fine. But my nano – you read that absolutely correctly – isn’t WiFi enabled and doesn’t have apps, which Mr. Cook should know since they invented it.

Now I’m sweating about the whole thing.

I get tangled in Christmas lights so this whole transfer and download thing is nauseating. I have Amazon Prime, but can’t figure out how to make playlists, because I’m ancient. And I wouldn’t hate the idea of subscribing – but I don’t want to run with my phone.

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It’s enormous compared to my tiny nano, which has never done anything but do its job perfectly. Except that one time it malfunctioned at the gym – ugh – and some robot lady inside it insisted on announcing every song that played, along with the artist name and which playlist it lived in.

But that was only once. I think it was just trying to step up or something.

So, send help, I guess?  Talk me through this. How do I keep what I love – a simple, low-tech life with good music that I can squeeze with my hand? Until I get that answer, I’ll just embrace denial on this one.

Because reality is too upsetting.