Every family has the moment. The moment in the car when things suddenly reek. When barfing sounds like a real possibility. When you wish someone had invented butt mints.
The road trip fart. There’s nothing worse, except for maybe the road trip projectile puke, but I’d like to think that’s a bit rarer.
The fart is a constant. It doesn’t even save itself for road trips, but they’re more terrifying than a city fart, because they tend to linger. And the time we will spend in the car raises the probability of multiple gaseous emissions.
The whole thing made me wonder about coping skills. How do we handle these farts? And to be clear, we’re talking about the five kids who will be with us.
They rip constantly. Even on the way to, like, Target.
Can we teach them to manage their farts? Likely not. Because they think they’re hilarious. And they also think their own farts don’t stink – which we protest with muffled groans, our t-shirts covering our noses and mouths for survival. I saw a comedian say once that he doesn’t begrudge kid farts because they’re the only weapon they have.
Can we pack gas masks? Probably not. First, it’d be weird. Second, there’s literally nowhere to keep them in our packed car. So, that’s out.
Can we equip each row of seats with an air freshener spray? And hope that when someone’s butt erupts that a kid can extinguish the god-awful scent immediately? Like, before we even smell it?
Also unlikely. Someone will get sprayed in the eye or mouth or something. And no kid knows how to meter out a spray. At all. It’s always full blast and it’s always sprayed for way too long.
And I know, we could probably just roll the windows down. We could. And we will. I was just hoping for some offense on this, rather than always being on defense. Plus, it super sucks to have a window down and make everybody’s ears pop and all that.
But – no pun intended – I guess that’s what we’re stuck with. Because road trips and kid-sized farts go together like peanut butter and jelly.