Chaos can be scary. Even on the periphery. Not because the thing the person is doing actually frightens you.
But, because you become scared that the person you’re with, the one you love with everything, may eventually grow tired of it.
Tired of seeing the anxiety you feel. Tired of the harassment. Tired of the threats and games and workarounds you have to do just to live the life you are entitled to.
Tired of accusations. Tired of just… everything.
Because everyone, seemingly, has a breaking point. Except one. The one who is forever chasing the taste of control that they’ll never get to savor again.
Like a drug addict hustling for the ecstasy of their first high, a person who has lost control of someone they used to stand over will never relent. Because the feeling was, apparently, that satisfying. At least that’s how it feels. Like it will never end.
I choose to think that despite my fears of exhaustion that the peripheral and inconsequential chaos is just that…inconsequential.
It deepens the magical bond you already have with someone. Chaos isn’t new. It just presents itself in new ways as often as someone is willing to serve it up…depending on their desperation.
It’s sad. Pathetic, even. But most of all, it only glazes the surface, like an annoying fly buzzing around a picnic table.
The night continues. The day continues. The trip continues. The love continues. The connection continues. No matter what.
So that fear may be real. I know it is for me from time to time and for a number of other friends I know who deal with their own little tornadoes off in the distance.
He loves you. Despite the chaos, he loves you. You. Believe it. And remember it, especially when a storm starts brewing. Because what you have is real. And sometimes, based on everything you’ve been through, it’s hard to believe.