How To Trade Most Of Your Day For Bike Tires

It’s easier than you think. Until you realize it’s one of the biggest struggles you’ve ever faced.

And you’ve faced some shit, so.

It might be easiest to make a step-by-step guide.

1. Procrastinate. Put that shit off. Because you know you will question your own intelligence as you do it.

2. Set up a work station outside. In front, knowing that neighbors will see you lose most of your afternoon, but also be there to help if you need it.

3. Flip the bikes upside down. I think that’s what bike shops do, so.

4. Locate a twisty wench thing. And twist off the nuts.

5. Say “lefty loosey” out loud. A few times. Especially when the nuts won’t turn.

6. Turn the nuts in the correct direction.

7. Get the tires off. Pull the tubes out and tell them they are now dead to you.

8. Get a tiny tweezer from the tool box to pluck every thorn out of the tire, and feel on the inside to make sure no itty bitty guys are hiding in little tire bunkers waiting to pop the new tube.

9. Put the tire back on the rim and pump it up.

10. Take a minute to inhale your majestic tire-changing skills.

11. Take the tire off and take out some of the air because you shouldn’t have pumped it up yet. It’s gotta slide past the brake, genius. Put it on again. And spin it, because you are nearly a bike mechanic.

12. Give the rear tire the sideye. And show it your hat, because it needs to know you’re not afraid to swear.

13. Wipe your nose with the back of your greasy hand.

14. Get a bowl of potato chips. And eat them all. With a Coke, for brain power.

15. Psyche yourself up with Wasting Light, because Mr. Grohl has some painful genius on there that you can relate to right in that moment.

16. Do a dance with the chain until the tire accidentally falls off.

17. Stand awkwardly as you pull the tire off.

18. Yell “Patience!” when the neighbor across the street, who has everything in his garage, asks if you need anything.

19. Use every position you know, and some you don’t, to get that damn nut to budge.

20. Say “motherfucker” a couple times. Maybe three.

21. Send 😭 to people who love you.

22. Negotiate with yourself if you and the kids actually need bikes, anyway.

23. Send more 😭😭😭.

24. Tell the bike it won’t beat you, even if you know it might.

25. Rest.

26. Accept the truth.

27. Stare at the bike for a while. Feel the breeze.

28. Regroup. And think for a moment “What would, like, Neil DeGrasse Tyson do?”

29. Realize you’re not as smart so…what’s the point in that?

30. Consider returning the bike.

31. Remind yourself that you’re smart. And strong. And capable.

32. Find Dave Matthews, because you need positivity.

33. Come to grips with the fact that you have lost four hours of your life and a guy can run a marathon in half that.

34. Watch your boyfriend show you the answer to the rear tire in less than 15 seconds.

35. Exhale.

36. Take your bike for a test drive and feel the tires seize up.

37. Frown.

38. Ask for help.

39. Write about the disaster.

40. Decide you are best at bike seats. But don’t admit defeat. And riiiiiiiddddeeee.